Bitesize: Focusing on Forgiveness

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Sarah Buckmaster [00:03] 

Hi everyone, I'm Sarah and this is "How to be Good?" - the podcast that explores what it means to be a good person in today's world. 

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Sarah Buckmaster  [00:14]
Today, we’re focusing on FORGIVENESS

Imam Abdulah Polovina (Islam) [00:24]
"To forgive, to go beyond our lower self"

Sarah Buckmaster
Now, this is an area that most of us have an opinion on; we all have experience of trying to forgive or seeking forgiveness – or maybe refusing to forgive. 

I’ve asked most of the Faith Leaders I’ve interviewed about this, because many religions and belief-systems have writings, rituals or practices linked to the process of forgiveness. So, let’s start by grounding ourselves in some of the different ways this has been spoken about across our interviews so far… 

I spoke to Imam Abdulah Polovina last week and he explained how forgiveness is central to the Muslim belief-system – in Islam, Muslims are encouraged to regularly ask God for forgiveness.

 Imam Abdulah Polovina [01:07]
“True muslim, when he realise or she realise that he commit something that is sinful, immediately running towards God to ask for forgiveness”

Sarah Buckmaster [01:20]
Similarly, in Christianity, there’s a process of asking God for forgiveness, although it differs between Church of England and Catholic belief-systems – as Reverend Angela-Berners Wilson described…

 Reverend Angela-Berners Wilson (Church of England) [01:32]
“Yes. But before you can forgive, and give forgiveness in a sacramental sense, the person would have to repent. So, in the Roman Catholic Church, people go to Priests regularly and make confession. In the Anglican Church, it's an option. Every time you have a main service, there's a communal prayer of confession and the Priest gives absolution at the end. But if someone wanted to come and make a personal confession to me about something they've done, I would only give absolution if they are genuinely sorry.”

Sarah Buckmaster
But having highlighted this need to be truly sorry, Reverend Angela did conclude by saying we can all be forgiven:

Reverend Angela-Berners Wilson
“I think we should help people to know that God loves them, and if they've done something really wrong, we can be forgiven if we're sorry.”

Sarah Buckmaster [02:18]
The Buddhist approach has a less formal structure…

Buddhist Abbot, Khen Rinpoche, Geshe Tashi Tsering
“Buddhist teachings talk a lot about the nature of impermanence, the nature of impermanence. That means, subject to change. Subject to change. So, some of those people who have difficult behaviour or a destructive attitude or behaviour, these people can change. Yes, I think that is one of our important beliefs in Buddhism - to really try to see that all living beings, and particularly all human beings, deep down have the great potential to do good and to be a good human being, no matter how badly he or she is currently behaving or acting.”

Sarah Buckmaster [03:27]
And while we’re thinking about Buddhism - there’s a great podcast episode that I want to mention… it’s one of the episodes of the Buddhist Boot Camp podcast with Timber Hawkeye and it’s a 3-minute reflection on forgiveness. In it, he explains that one of the first problems when we think about forgiveness is that we think of someone who has done something TO us; we become the victim. We feel we can only forgive them if they apologise, so we wait, hold onto our anger, and we give them the power to influence our actions. His recommendation is that we shift our thinking – and seeing these as situations that have happened FOR us – it’s an opportunity for us to learn, grow and move on stronger. This message is a strong one – that to forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. 

I guess this way of thinking struck me – because, to be honest, forgiveness is a subject really close to my heart. Probably uncomfortably close. I am a recovering grudge-holder, and I am most definitely a work-in-progress. And the reality is that I have wasted a lot of my time holding onto resentment or stewing over how I feel someone has wronged me or how a situation was unfair.

Hearing the perspectives of the faith leaders that I’ve spoken with so far, has forced me to reflect on forgiveness and reconsider how I approach it – because despite differences in the details and processes, most religions seem to have a belief in redemption/forgiveness – and it consistently comes up as an important factor in living a life of peace and happiness.

[05:00]
Buddhists often say that holding a grudge is like holding hot coals, with the intention to throw them at someone but you just hold onto them, refusing to put them down, harming no one but yourself. And along the same lines, Marianne Williamson describes not forgiving someone as the equivalent of “drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die”.

Now, forgiveness is a process that takes time, patience and determination. But just thinking about how much it can lighten our load in life makes it worth some investment. Over the past year, I’ve been working really hard to train my forgiveness muscle – and I can honestly say, it does feel good, and definitely better than holding those hot coals of resentment. 

For many of us, the first step is learning how to forgive ourselves – showing ourselves some compassion and understanding for where we are right now… forgiving ourselves for mistakes we’ve made or times we haven’t shown up how we’d like to in an ideal world; overall, accepting that we’re human. 

The key take-home message this month is that forgiveness matters and it is something you do for yourself. No-one else. It’s all for you. This is an act of self-care. And, to be clear, forgiveness doesn’t mean we stay in unhealthy situations or accept ongoing bad treatment. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation or making amends… it can lead to that or not at all. Forgiveness just means we stop holding those hot coals in our own hands, we put them down and turn the attention back to our own lives, reminding ourselves that forgiveness doesn’t weaken us, it empowers us. 

[06:38]
Try spending the next few weeks noticing places where you may be struggling to forgive, or places where you ,may have forgiven yourself or someone else… there’s no need to change anything, just notice it. Show up as an investigator in your own life. Are there places where you’re holding onto some resentment? – a small grudge or a deep anger? Are there any areas where you may want to practice forgiving in the future? Are there any examples where you’ve forgiven someone and wish you hadn’t? 

Above all, be kind to yourself as you’re doing this – this is about gathering data on yourself so you can see how you feel about forgiveness. The more we know about our true self, the more capable we are of showing up in a way that makes us feel good, and do good in the world.

So, that’s it for this month – start noticing and learning about your current relationship with forgiveness. And, please - let me know how you get on. I’d love to hear from you about this!

[07:34]
And, if you enjoyed this episode and would like to hear more episodes and interviews exploring the question of what it means to be a good person in today’s world, then please consider hitting the subscribe button – and if you have time and liked what you heard then I’d love you to leave a review and share with your friends. Thank you for listening - and if you have any questions or suggestions, please email me anytime at sarah@howtobegood.co.uk. I’d love to hear from you!  

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Transcribed by Sarah Buckmaster